Kev Adcock aka Platty
Midfielder - Reserve Team Captain
Inspirational leader on the field albeit with a weakness for superstore sales. Once claimed he couldn't make the game because he was "going to look at a dining table".

Iain Airey aka Pork Pie
Defender - Chairman
Can play anywhere across the back four and usually does during the course of a game generally getting in peoples way. The only man I've seen unintentionally do a "Zidane Turn" with the ball as he fell over his own feet.

Chris Allam aka Lurpak aka Buster Gonad
Goalkeeper
Solid shot-stopper who recently got a boot in his crackerjacks causing them to swell to the size of Belgium.

Neil Allam aka Nobby aka Roy Walker
Defender
Legendary 50-year-old right-back who only joined after coming to watch his son Chris play in goal for us and enjoyed it so much he signed up. Nobby is the only surviving member from the Charge Of The Light Brigade and is so old even his dreams are in black and white.

Mark Bowden aka Fletch
Midfielder
Picked up his nickname a couple of years ago after spending the night in a cell after having his collar felt. The boot's now on the other foot as he spends his days peering through a slit cut in a newspaper and fighting against the forces or evil like a Plymouthian version of James Bond.

Chris Cable
Defender - First Team Captain
Towering centre-half and keen "herbalist". Voted last seasons players player but recently lost his mojo in Woking.

Kyle Chadwick aka Mittens
Midfielder / Striker
Loves himself so much that if he was made of chocolate he'd eat himself. Doesn't like getting cold hands on match days.

Des Clark aka Scooter aka Kofi aka Loafer
Defender - Secretary - Reserve Team Manager
I'll leave Porky or Philthy to write my profile ...

Nick Diliberto aka Dick Niliberto aka Nick Silibeardo
Defender / Midfielder
The only SAFC player who travels to away games in somebody elses kit bag. Little Nick has an amazingly crafted beard which looks like he's been bobbing for apples in a sink full of dirty water.

Ray Duke aka Reeeeeee
Defender
Strong player who clobbers people like a bulldozer. Only let down by his big gay Facebook picture.

Phil Emerson aka Philthy Doggerson aka Quim
Goalkeeper / Striker
Renowned for being tighter than a nuns chuff when it comes to buying a round, Philthy won the Intermediate League title with Knaphill in 2006 / 2007 before coming back to his spiritual home for more regular abuse from his so-called mates.

Gary Fielder aka 5 Pint Fielder aka Bart Simpson
Midfielder
Still nurturing the same bit of bum fluff which appeared on his top lip 3 years ago, Gary is a member of the St Johns Street Assassins. They haven't killed anybody yet but they did once stay out past 9pm despite having homework to do.

Stewart Freeland
Defender
Club clown. Always willing to go that extra mile to keep the lads amused. Off his f*cking head.

James Fry aka Fwy
Midfielder
Currently trying to grow a blonde afro reminiscent of Alan Brazil in 1982.

Calvin Grainger aka Calv aka Hey Shorty
Midfielder
The latest Grainger off the production line, Calv is already a foot taller than his uncles Cav and Toz.

Cavan Grainger aka Calv aka Cav The Chav
Defender
Woking's best known rag and bone man.

Toren Grainger aka Toz aka Tyrone
Defender / Midfielder
Not seen so much at football these days since deciding to turn his Brookwood house into something resembling Notre Dame Cathedral. Despite 15 years of evidence to the contrary, still thinks he has a left foot.

Gareth Jones aka Galleth aka Joey Cole
Goalkeeper
Pretend Welshman

Allan King aka Pigale aka Big Al
Defender
Towering defender with more metalwork inside him than Rodney Copperbottom from "Robots". Still sporting a flat-top haircut last seen on Suggs in 1984.

Russell McGibbon aka BBR
Defender
Everything a football team could want from a player, easily the best player this club has had. Far to modest about his ability and should be playing at a highier level.

Ben Searle aka Jammin
Defender - Reserve Team Vice Captain
Having ditched Reeeeeee, usually found with his Belgian boyfriend, Bere. Ben covers every blade of grass but that's only because his first touch is so crap.

James Wade aka Wadie
Defender - Midfielder - Striker
Recently returned to us from a spell at Godalming Town. Sickeningly talented in any position. Founder member of the "Pittsies Appreciation Society".

Reza Yassini
Defender / Midfielder
Iranian mobile phone genius. Has a worrying tendancy to sign all his forum messages with "Allah Akbar". Calls everybody "dude" too like a Middle Eastern version of the Fonz.